This last week has been one of the hardest I’ve ever known.Today was breaking point, a turning point, a turning back and full of signs. For example the MacBook time is this verse… (12:34);So his Lord responded to him, turning their cunning away from him. Surely He is the All-Hearing, All-Knowing.
Later my book fell open on the other paragraph. All signs I am indeed not alone but protected and that I am reminded that… Inna Ma’iya Rabbi Sayahdin indeed my Lord is with me, He will guide meSura Shu’ara, 26:62
This morning, well to be truthful this entire last week I’ve been feeling very disconnected from Islam, disconnected from praying as it’s that time of the month but also from wearing my hijab, from the ummah and it’s made me feel very down, almost looking for reasons why I shouldn’t be on this path, as lets face it, life as a revert isn’t easy at all, we leave so much of our past behind that can often contain some of our best childhood memories with family etc only to find ourselves still searching and often alone in that search and questioning, desperately trying to find our place, trying to find our feet to walk, often many years after we took our shahada.
Today on the morning school run, as I was getting the children out of the car, something happened that took me a moment to register but affected me deeply. Heavy in pain with my second kidney infection and bronchitis I was struggling with everything and deeply lost in that thought then as I looked up I noticed from the back of another sen transport car, the escort, a fellow hijabi giving me the biggest smile and was waving at me. It took me a second to register she was actually waving at me and not my daughter, so I smiled and waved back. This small act gave me such a good feeling it touched me deep within my heart.
That small moment was so much more than a simple wave and greeting when I was feeling so lost and disconnected. On refelction it was reminder and it’s made me realise that the smallest of things are sent by Allah when we need them the most that I am not lost or disconnected from him but found and deeply connected. Life is just testing me right now, but as I am reminded
‘He guides towards Him those who repent and believe, and blesses them peace of heart by remembering Him‘ (Holy Quran, Ra’d: Ayat27-28).
Verily, with hardship there is relief” (Qur’an 94:6)
Allah says in the Quran, “We are closer to him than (his) jugular vein.” (50:16).
He also says, “He surely knows best what is ˹hidden˺ in the heart.” (67:13.)
So we should know we aren’t alone. No matter how transparent our tears become and how invisible it seems to the world, He knows all about them. He understands every hardship we are going through better than us. Even if the whole world abandons us, we should not forget His promise.
“When My servants ask you ˹O Prophet˺ about Me: I am truly near.”(2:186)
Ive always loved this speech given by Yasmin Mogahed where she speaks about tawwakul where she says:
Tawakkul is having full faith that Allah will take care of you—even when things look impossible. Tawakkul is standing in front of the Red Sea—as Prophet Musa did—with an army behind you, and not even flinching, knowing that Allah will get you through. It is having full faith that when Allah takes away the umbilical cord, He will replace it with milk.”
Musa alayhi salam simply said, inna ma’eyah rabbi sayahdeen (Most certainly, My Lord is with me, He will guide). Allah ordered Musa alayhi salam to strike the sea with his staff, and the sea split. He trusted, and Allah split the sea for him
The actual Sura is:
إِنَّ مَعِيَ رَبِّي سَيَهْدِينِ
Inna Ma’iya Rabbi Sayahdini
Indeed my Lord is with me, He will guide me
Sura Shu’ara, 26:62
I repeat this every salah after I have finished and made dua its like my announcement that I trust completely in Allah even if I dont know what’s going to happen i trust in the plan of Allah, I trust he will always give or take away or decide what is best for me no matter what it is.
ive leant on this Sura allot recently with life, with decisions I needed to make that I knew weren’t what I wanted but also knew they weren’t good for me and put my complete trust in Allah and his plan for me, even if it took me away from those I loved dearly once.
We al have our own paths to walk and mine is towards Allah and not those that take me away from him through their actions or by trying to drag me down to their level.
I know in the moment that something is moved away from me that it wasn’t good for me and that if by his grace, it will be replaced with something better. But above all I trust this process.
I wont lie I am struggling to maintain life and Salah balance. I find the school holidays the hardest, the non stop demands and need to oversee support the struggles my children have due to disability. mix that together with my own health failing as I await surgery at the moment I barely have the energy let alone the time to pray. It bothers me immensely if I miss even one then I find i’ve missed a whole day and my heart sinks.
I know when life is bad or rather my health as I dont pray at all as im asleep… exhausted and sick .
I feel like depression takes over at that point where I beat myself up and then feel bad as I haven’t prayed then feel bad again then sink further into lack of motivation as exhausted from health again physically and emotionally…..its a vicious circle.
I dont know what the solution is some people would say pray but that’s easier said then done when you sleep due to utter exhaustion due to being sick every day, and I guess that comes from where people dont really understand chronic illness. Allot of people assume that you get better haha or worse frustrated with you when you aren’t better after a week and now you must be faking it for attention…. I wish I felt better ….it certainly isn’t for attention as trust me we get sick of being asked how we are when we know the cycle of reply and response and that our own bodies hate us more than you do with us not getting better and being ‘able’.
No-one beats us up more than our bodies and our own expectations and disappointment in it not being able and fit, or for our bodies being so unpredictable that we often have to cancel plans last minute as its let us down and in turn you.
so yeah im struggling with not only my body and my mental health but the guilt of not praying, so voices telling me what I should be doing are not welcome I know what I should be doing but im also aware of what I can and can’t do so maybe a little understanding would go a long way instead
So what is my identity? when we think about identity we will always say what is most important to us first. For others it’s also often what they visually see first that identify’s us in their mind.
Without my hijab many people wouldn’t guess that I am muslim and I do have days where I dont wear the hijab, that is my struggle and my journey, but should that truly be the only reason I should identified as a muslim, by what I wear in my head ?
This time away from islam has had me thinking about how I identify and how others identify me. Firstly, whilst visually the hijab is a clear sign that someone is muslim generally, the hijab is much more than a head scarf.
Hijab includes conduct and behaviour among other things. Complete ‘hijab’, besides the six criteria of clothing, also includes the moral conduct, behaviour, attitude and intention of the individual. A person only fulfilling the criteria of ‘hijab’ of the clothes is observing ‘hijab’ in a limited sense. ‘Hijab’ of the clothes should be accompanied by ‘hijab’ of the eyes, ‘hijab’ of the heart, ‘hijab’ of thought and ‘hijab’ of intention. It also includes the way a person walks, the way a person talks, the way he behaves, etc.
In conclusion, the hijab is a protection for both men and women.
So Surely our character and our behaviour should be the identifying factor in defining who we are and not how we look the part and more about how we live the part. ?
So do you pray ?
I recently watched this video where the speaker was listing all these sins that we hear everyday as taking you out of the folds of islam , no hijab , alcohol , haram relationship, drugs etc the list was endless, and this list is pushed and I say pushed as many other muslims are quick to point out another sins under the disguise of guidance and advice but it is pointing at someone else’s struggle that is between them and Allah.
He went on to say that no matter what you are doing that you should PRAY, that no matter how much you feel a hypocrite for sinning and praying whilst committing these acts that you shouldn’t stop praying.
That you shouldn’t wait to have your life together perfectly before you start praying and instead to just PRAY, because it through praying that we will get our life together. That video turned my head back to islam.
It made me realise that YES I am not perfect, NOONE is nor will be, but to keep praying, for Allah is all forgiving.
I came to the conclusion that I dont need to leave islam just because I am not the perfect Muslim, that it is in praying and asking for forgiveness that I am ‘becoming’ a better muslim and this happens over time and that it’s ok to fall and fail, but to always come back to salah and ask for forgiveness. Perfection should never be the goal, just trying to be better than yesterday.
Surely, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed He is the most Forgiving, the Merciful’ (Quran 39:53)
Gratitude is not only the heart and essence of Islam; it is also the key to attracting abundance, prosperity, peace, and success in one’s life. Gratitude (Shukr) is the path to loving Allah and deepening that relationship.
In Islam, we are always taught to respond with what is best.
Sometimes if we are being verbally abused, the easiest thing to do is to respond back, but as the Prophet (pbuh) told us, if we remain silent, then an Angel responds to the slanderer, which is the best form of defense we could obtain.
There is almost no mention of rainbows in Islamic text, save for two hadiths attributed to Ibn ‘Abbas in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 33/14, with one classified as sahih (authentic) as below, and another classified as da’īf (weak):
Ibn ‘Abbas said, “The rainbow is security for the people of the earth that they will not be drowned. The Milky Way is the door of the heavens and forms a furrow through it.”
If you had told me back in 2016, no wait 2015 that I would be where I am today I would have said you were absolutely MAD.
I would never have believed you that I would have got married within 48 hours of physically meeting in a country I’ve never been. I would never have believed that at 44 I would have had another baby. I would never of believed you that I would also divorce someone I truly loved 7 years later. I most certainly would never have believed you that I would have survived a global pandemic, had almost died twice or that I would have become Muslim.
You see there is our plan and there is Allah’s plan.
Whilst sometimes its difficult to see why certain things have to happen the way they do, especially when they are breaking our hearts or placing us so close to death, but everything is by design and for a reason, even if that reason is not clear to us.
It is always clear to Allah.
He heard the conversations you didn’t, he sees into the heart of everyone, believers and non believers. He sees the road, before you have placed even a foot onto it.
So if something is removed we must trust that it was for our own good and that he will replace it with something better
I view my path to Islam as one that was fraught with obstacles, things and people that sadly had to be removed as they were not supporting me in my growth , in my connection to a deeper truth. I will always carry them in a place in my heart as they were part of the journey I am now on, but I release them all with love.
Seeking Sakina 