Seeking Sakina

Isha hit differently last night after what had been one of the most impossible weeks with test after test pushing me to the edge everytime .

Each test felt like I was being slammed against a brick wall like some crash test dummie leaving me mentally drained emotionally empty and physically in pain from complete exhaustion and yet every salah I turn to him but Isha on Friday night was different

For the first time in a long time I cracked I felt what it meant once again to truly open and let everything come flooding out. Sat in the darkness on my mat with nothing but me and Allah I cried and not from my eyes but from somewhere much deeper, throwing my arms in the air asking for relief for anything good to be sent as I AM in desperate need, then I fell head first to my mat and stayed there releasing all that burdened my heart had been released and my eyes could shed no more.

Exhausted I dragged myself to bed. Praying hoping Allah has heard me. Waking the next morning I woke late for Fajr as was so exhausted but not just from emotion but also a dream where a man silently stood in a desert just smiling reassuring me all is okay . I woke crying once again but this time tears of joy and confusion at what I had just experienced, but in my heart there was now a peace that wasn’t there before. So there will not be any questions or analysing it for interpretation, just acceptance.

Peace …. We are often sold peace, yes sold it. This Dunya would have you believe that you need to earn peace, either through endless self help courses or mediations or by getting the latest this or that the perpetual cycle of commercial need pedalling peace for a price. We are told That ultimate peace is something we must find outside of ourselves forever elusive always beyond our reach which is a lie.

Peace is about giving up that search, it’s surrendering our entire being to the one that created us. In surrendering we begin to come from a position of divine peace, mirroring love trust and compassion into this Dunya freely, without any expectation of receiving anything in return.

Knowing that peace isn’t something elusive or a final destination but found within ourselves and in every moment we experience

We just need to surrender.

And indeed my lord is with me….

What a beautiful and crazy busy day

I praise Allah for all I have been given in my life I am humbled by his presence in my life and the opportunity he has given me.

Alhamdulillah for food and family and a home we are so blessed Alhamdulillah

Allahu Akbar…. he truly is. I am blessed.

I am captivated

Alhamdulillah I am free from covid but have damage from it. Lung function is now lower and my energy is struggling due to reduced oxygen. This has in turn brought issues with my heart and circulation. So I am back on aspirin daily to reduce the risk of stroke or heart attack. I haven’t been able to pray so I have allot to catch up on.

Is it new year is it ok to celebrate? This is the buzz on the Islamic groups and pages with endless posts of No to new year then met with others calling it extremism and others quoting Hadith’s and so on. I’ve notice since becoming a revert this internal backbiting and need to be right amongst some and it seems very similar to the battles pagans have with Christian’s regarding their holidays and so on. I understand very clearly how associating with religious festivals of others is absolutely Haram but Nee years and it’s association to the Gregorian calendar being pagan when we ourselves work live and get paid according to it seems a bit far fetched for me.

The religions of the world have a cleanser of festivals they honour but they all unless you are lucky enough to live in the country of your religion all work and live life according to the Gregorian worldwide so what’s the issue ?? I don’t see one other then it could promote activities that are haram but simply wishing someone a good year is not.

I may change my mind over this so will leave it open ended for future edits.

Last night was the worst yet. Between struggling to breathe and excruciating pain in my calves and bones I woke Alhamdulillah

I woke and breathed air into my lungs and gave thanks to Allah for putting me back

Today as I wrote this I am still struggling to breathe and go about the house without needing to stop or do things so slowly or I pass out but I am breathing I am alive I am grateful for every breath I breathe.

Questions come when we have tests and time such as why do we waste time with emotions and actions such as anger ignorance and insecurity with others when life is so short and death comes too soon. Death is the only thing we are guaranteed so why do we waste so much of life with these negative emotions and actions? Why aren’t we running towards the things we love instead of making excuses why we can’t when in one second this dunya could end. ?

Fear and anger are works of shaytan to remove you from Allah to remove you from peace and love

Alhamdulillah

Today has been emotional still trapped in bed by covid hardly being able to breathe or move without passing out trying my best to cope with a house imploding around me trying to keep my faith that this is a test I shall pass from Allah to find my little girl has covid too.

To watch her get worse as the evening went on to be filled with flashbacks and have ptsd fears of when I almost lost her to sepsis …to the damage it’s left her with and care she needs I am struggling to keep my faith tonight.

Unable to get to my mat I call out to Allah to protect her to remove this covid to remove these thoughts these tears and worries that are weighing so heavy alone.

In the silence I hear my own body struggling to breathe

Everything will be ok

Alhandulillah

Here we go again ….. this strain is so very different … faster and harder as I found out the evening of the 25th December where I collapsed and found it difficult to breathe. The next 34 hours were filled with hallucinations with my body shaking and hurting so much I could have screamed had it not been from the spasms in my jaw that prevented me. I’ve had flu really bad before and this wasn’t it this wasn’t even like the delta variant I had last year this was much worse and yet today I still can’t breathe properly but I feel like the worst is over….. not to tempt shaytan but I woke and got up for a few hours although this pain in my left temple is really hurting as it did the first night. Exhaustion doesn’t cover it a walk up the stairs requiring me to stop half way and breathe before continuing so I can collapse on the bed isn’t helping when you have 4 children three of which need constant support. I know that allah doesn’t burden you with more then you can handle and that each test brings after it greater rewards but did my oven truly have to blow up really ??

Life got in the way today

Usually I arrange life around salah but today life got in the way and time ran away from me. I felt disconnected and stressed and when I finally reached my mat and my head touched it did I understand why. I have become so connected to Allah and salah that when I miss one as I did today which is rare it really affects how grounded I am and instead of feeling present I felt disconnected and distant ….. I was lost and this made me feel sad.

Today has been the first time in a long time that this has happened and it has reaffirmed for me that my path in life is that which is with Allah, I had felt until recently lots of questions on letting certain ways go from my past or about the changes I need to make that will affect everyone and had felt hesitant but experiencing this distance this feeling of being lost without that connection has shown me how lost I truly was before I came to Islam. Islam makes me a better person through discipline and devotion.

Alhamdulilah