How Can Men Lead Their Wives If They Don’t Even Know Their Deen?

I have my best thoughts at the beach and I have to ask: how on earth do men think they can lead their wives when they can barely lead themselves? Every day on TikTok and other platforms, I see men spouting what they think is “religious authority”—hypocritical, borderline Salafi statements about women’s rights, secret second wives, and taking on marriages they can’t even uphold openly. And they justify it all because they “can’t control their desires.”

Let’s be real: if your nafs is running the show, if your actions are dictated by lust or ego rather than taqwa, you are not qualified to speak about leadership, guidance, or marital responsibility. Secret marriages, coercion, online arguments with women you don’t even know—all of it screams the same thing: you don’t know your deen, bro.

And yet these men feel emboldened to reply to women in comments sections as if they are paragons of virtue. They lecture about obedience, rights, and morality while their own hearts and actions are untethered from any real accountability. They think power and knowledge are interchangeable, but they are not. Knowledge without humility is poison. Leadership without self-discipline is a farce.

Here’s the part these men don’t understand: this is exactly why the loneliness epidemic among men is exploding. Women are becoming more educated—more educated in their rights, more educated in their deen—and many know more about true faith than these TikTok “scholars” do. Women see through the patriarchal nonsense instantly. We are no longer falling for the empty, hypocritical sermons or secretive lust-driven marriages. When a man comes with that kind of bullshit, it doesn’t impress us—it repels us. And then he wonders why he can’t find a meaningful, faithful, lasting connection.

If you can’t discipline your own desires, if your faith doesn’t guide your actions, how can you possibly guide anyone else? TikTok clout doesn’t replace taqwa. Viral opinions don’t make you a scholar. Secret marriages don’t make you righteous.

Here’s the harsh truth these men refuse to hear: your hypocrisy is proof enough. Every comment you make, every unsolicited lecture to women, every justification for sin—you’re demonstrating exactly why you cannot lead. Until men learn their deen, until they confront their own nafs and cultivate genuine taqwa, they have no authority, no moral high ground, and no right to dictate the lives of women.

Leadership starts with self-mastery. It starts with knowledge. It starts with integrity. And clearly, most of these men are failing on all counts—so it’s no surprise they are lonely, frustrated, and left wondering why women won’t follow them. Maybe, just maybe, the solution isn’t in controlling others or flexing “authority,” but in humility, soul-searching, and real self-reflection. Maybe if men looked inward before looking outward, things would finally start to change.