“When Men Get Defensive: The Quiet War Against Women Who Set Boundaries”

In all my years of working with women — through the rawest parts of their lives, in women’s circles, in rape and domestic violence recovery, in community empowerment — one thing never fails to amaze me:

The moment a woman sets a boundary with a man —

The moment she says, “No, I’m not accepting this,” or challenges a harmful narrative —

His entire mask falls.

Suddenly, she’s not a woman with insight.

She’s “emotional.”

She’s “damaged.”

She’s “projecting.”

She’s “a man-hater.”

She has “issues she hasn’t resolved.”

It’s predictable. It’s exhausting. And it’s deeply revealing.

Because here’s the truth: this type of man is everywhere.

He appears well-spoken, often says he “cares about the ummah,” and claims to want healthy relationships and strong families.

He frames his opinions as “truth” and his criticism of women as “concern.”

But when you look closer, you realise:

He lacks emotional depth. He blames women for divorce and failed relationships, never once reflecting on men’s roles. He talks endlessly about how women “choose scum,” yet never questions why men behave like scum in the first place. He claims objectivity, but his tone is steeped in resentment — often the residue of his own past betrayals, heartbreak, or rejection.

And perhaps most ironically —

he’ll often be the one preaching “love.”

That everything should be about love, that the world needs more love, that Islam is love, relationships should be love…

But for him, love is just a word — not an energy he knows how to carry.

Not a frequency he’s learned how to embody.

Because real love requires accountability, softness, vulnerability, and emotional safety.

And these are not qualities he’s mastered.

He hasn’t done the inner work.

He’s still carrying wounds, but rather than healing them, he’s dressing them up as “insight.”

His masculinity is brittle. Easily threatened.

And when a woman — especially a strong one — challenges his view or sets a boundary, he lashes out.

That’s exactly what happened to me recently.

This man began sending me content shaming women for their relationship choices. Repeatedly.

I asked him kindly but clearly to stop — and explained why.

And in return?

He told me I was projecting.

That I had unresolved trauma.

That I “exposed myself” as a man-hater.

That I was defensive.

That I had issues.

That I “contradicted myself.”

That I had “unresolved wounds.”

But here’s the thing:

My wounds are not speaking.

I’ve been through my trauma. Serious trauma.

And I did the work — over 25 years ago.

Nothing in this exchange triggered me because nothing in the last four years of my life has been traumatic — including my divorce in 2023, where I had enough emotional intelligence to commit to two years of work with both a life coach and a therapist.

I made sure I left that relationship — and that chapter — without any unresolved trauma to carry forward.

By the time my healing work concluded, I was clear, whole, and grounded.

I responded not from pain, but from clarity.

Not from emotion, but from grounding.

Not from reaction, but from values.

Because that’s what healing does. It gives you your peace back — and your voice.

And let’s talk about the contradiction too —

This same man who criticised women for being “reckless” in relationships was also flirting with me.

Trying to arrange a meet-up.

Trying to cross boundaries.

So which is it?

Am I broken, or desirable?

Am I too damaged, or too independent to control?

Because here’s another truth:

Men like this are often drawn to women like me.

Women who surf.

Women who raise children on their own.

Women who think, live, and thrive in their own lane.

They are attracted to the image of strength —

But threatened by the reality of it.

They want the aesthetic of independence —

But not the substance.

Because the substance won’t shrink.

It won’t flatter ego.

And it won’t stay silent to keep the peace.

And yet, they still say we make poor choices.

But let’s be real:

If we chose you —

You were the poor choice.

Women do sometimes make bad decisions in love.

But the moment you make that your entire narrative —

The moment you erase your own accountability as a man —

You become exactly what you claim to critique.

It takes two for a marriage to break down.

Two for a betrayal to happen.

Two for healing to take place — or not.

We, as women, are no longer sitting in silence.

We are no longer absorbing blame.

We’re no longer tolerating men who weaponise their pain and shame us for theirs by calling us men haters simply because they cannot own it.

We will continue to rise, to heal, to hold our ground, and protect our peace.

We’re not here to argue.

We’re here to evolve.

If our strength threatens your ego, then maybe it’s not strength that’s the problem —

Maybe it’s your ego.

And no — we’re not going to shrink to accommodate it anymore.