Struggling

I wont lie I am struggling to maintain life and Salah balance. I find the school holidays the hardest, the non stop demands and need to oversee support the struggles my children have due to disability. mix that together with my own health failing as I await surgery at the moment I barely have the energy let alone the time to pray. It bothers me immensely if I miss even one then I find i’ve missed a whole day and my heart sinks.

I know when life is bad or rather my health as I dont pray at all as im asleep… exhausted and sick .

I feel like depression takes over at that point where I beat myself up and then feel bad as I haven’t prayed then feel bad again then sink further into lack of motivation as exhausted from health again physically and emotionally…..its a vicious circle.

I dont know what the solution is some people would say pray but that’s easier said then done when you sleep due to utter exhaustion due to being sick every day, and I guess that comes from where people dont really understand chronic illness. Allot of people assume that you get better haha or worse frustrated with you when you aren’t better after a week and now you must be faking it for attention…. I wish I felt better ….it certainly isn’t for attention as trust me we get sick of being asked how we are when we know the cycle of reply and response and that our own bodies hate us more than you do with us not getting better and being ‘able’.

No-one beats us up more than our bodies and our own expectations and disappointment in it not being able and fit, or for our bodies being so unpredictable that we often have to cancel plans last minute as its let us down and in turn you.

so yeah im struggling with not only my body and my mental health but the guilt of not praying, so voices telling me what I should be doing are not welcome I know what I should be doing but im also aware of what I can and can’t do so maybe a little understanding would go a long way instead

may allah grant me ease